I am going a bit out of sequence from the page order in Maya’s book. As the last post (from May 26th) talked about spending your time with people who lift you up. I think it is also important to write about our responsibility in relationships and people skills…hence this piece that says:
Leave People Better Than You Found Them
If we want people to lift us up, we too need to reciprocate that behavior. We need to leave people better than we found them – encouraged, relaxed, loved, thinking positive thoughts, and wanting to create new things. We need to actively engage and direct the conversation towards positive, uplifting and other centric behaviors.
We live in a world with unrealistic expectations. No one is perfect, no one is always happy, and nothing always goes just the way you want. So we need to give up control, being dominant, get past being over sensitive, and our need to be the center of attention. When people cross our path we want them to feel better than they did before we met them. We need to prevent ourselves from turning the conversation to be about us, and absolutely not to impose our expectations on them. If all we talk about is ourselves, or moan about our day, or even complain about our life, eventually people get the picture, get tired of us (as they KNOW what we will want to talk about) and they will find other people. The best listeners are not the ones always doing the talking. The BEST listeners ask really good, open ended questions to get the other person to talk. They remove the words ME, MY and I from their mind and focus on what the other person is saying. People LOVE to talk about themselves, so let them.
People other people want to be around are people who let them be their true self. It doesn’t matter what you think they SHOULD do or be or feel. Wanting to fix the problem, solve the issue or tell them what to do is the same as being a know it all. Do not pretend to listen to their story then turn it around to tell your bigger, better, more dramatic version of that same experience in your life. That’s just tit for tat, not a conversation. Be patient, let them ask you for advice, or listen until they are done. They may not need advice, they may just need you to listen. Listeners are silent more than they speak.
In relationships with people, the phrase that pays is, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me right now?” or even, “I’m sorry you are experiencing that.” Or just being willing to give them a hug, hold their hand, or pat them on the back. Relationships are built on loving people enough to give them what THEY need, not about getting what you want. Relationships are about showing up in their lives, not showing up to be the center of it all. Being willing to leave the other person better than you found them can change everything – even you! When we focus on others, when we listen and truly hear their needs, our problems and challenges often become insignificant.
So Maya, learn how to leave people better than you found them. Your turn will come. By loving and listening to people first, they too will do the same for you. Ya’ know why? Because you gave them the gift of your time and energy by listening – REALLY LISTENING. Be patient, love them where they are and they will learn to love and support you. And if they don’t? Find people who will love YOU by listening to you first.
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