When I thought about what words I wanted to share with my friend Maya, who is graduating this week, I actually made a list. And joy was one of the first words to appear on that list. I created this simple piece with this text:
Never let anyone steal your joy!
There are so many ways to express joy, and so many ways for it to get stolen or crushed like a bug. We have no power over how people treat us. No power over what they say or do, or even how they can be mean and belittle us, wounding us right to our core. Our power lies in not letting them treat us that way over and over again. That is easier said than done when those people are family, friends, co-workers, or even a spouse. To have joy is a precious gift that we must protect and savor no matter what.
So how do you protect your joy? How do you muster the courage to not let people treat you poorly? And how do you do that when it’s family or friends? Protecting our joy means first of all knowing what brings you joy, that YOU have to savor it, and daring to trust that you are worthy of keeping your joy. Joy comes from kind words, fond memories, laughter, humor, smiles and maybe even petting a kitten. Joy comes in listening to music, watching a favorite movie, or eating a wonderful meal. We feel joy when we are with trusted friends and laughing, laughing so hard we cry. Maybe your joy comes from reading a cherished story, letters from someone far away, or even driving through leaves and watching them dance along the road. However you feel joy, you need to feel it often. I believe joy is stored in our soul like a memory, and when we need it we can pull it out and inject ourselves with a booster shot simply by remembering our moments of joy. When people try to steal our joy we have to act quickly and remove the offense.
Our power to protect our joy comes when we remove ourselves from the situation, when we gird our loins with emotional and mental armor. When I am treated poorly, when someone tries to belittle me or make me feel bad, I remind myself of a silly saying my brothers and I used to use while playing games. “I’m rubber, you’re glue, what bounces off me sticks to you!” I say that to myself and pretend their words bounce off me and stick to them. Then I mentally stick my tongue out and run away! It’s childish, but it works. Have learned that my own mental health, MY JOY is worth fighting to protect. And the only person who can really protect my joy is me!
Believe me, I have joy stealers who are family, friends, and colleagues. I speak up when the topic is toxic and ask us to talk about something else. I turn the tables by asking them about their joy, which usually catches them off guard and gives me time to mentally prepare. Sometimes my best tactic is to start thinking of something else – like petting a kitten – and mentally remove myself from the negative, waiting for the topic to change. Sometimes I stay silent and go to a happy place, or better yet pray for them to find their joy. When all else fails I stop being in their presence if possible, and avoid contact with them. It is our responsibility to protect our joy. If someone trespasses on yours, act quickly and do not feel guilty. If you do not protect your joy how can you expect anyone else to respect it?
So, I wrote these words for Maya. I let her know that her joy is important, nothing anyone should be able to steal. If they try once, shame on them. If they try twice, dig deep and find a way to protect joy. And if it happens a third time, shame on you if you let it happen again. It takes courage to own our relationships, our mental health and our joy. Life is too short to be bullied, belittled or humiliated by people who do not respect your joy. Never stoop to their level, mentally or physically walk away, and do whatever it takes to protect your joy…then mentally stick your tongue out and run away!
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