Listen More Than You Talk

We all know these people, the ones that have an uncanny knack of turning ANY conversation to one that is all about them. No matter the topic, how the conversation started, how it is progressing or even how emotional it may be, they find a way to turn it to talking about themselves. It is both an amazing skill and an annoying habit. It is also exhausting for those who happen to fall prey to their lack of conversational awareness.

Let’s face it, we all fall into this horrible conversation trap at one time of another. We just got back from an exciting trip, we have an update from the Dr’s office, our kid did something we think is phenomenal, or we are emotional and need to vent. People are talking, we want to talk and have people listen, and then we trample all over everyone and hijack the discussion to talk all about ourselves. Whew! We are exhausted, they get exhausted and hopefully they understand and give us a pass. It is when we do this ALL THE TIME that people begin to avoid us or shutdown when we open our mouths.

I was the monopolizer in a conversation recently. How did I know I was doing it? I only needed to see the looks on everyone’s faces to know that I was the conversation hog. Once I finished my story, I shut up and asked as few open ended questions to get the other people back into a conversation that was NOT about me. I felt horrible and was reminded how I feel when people do it to me. When I found this quote from Mark Cooley, I knew I had to present it here. The words that hit me were…but do not expect others to listen.

Conversation is about talking AND listening. The most important part being the listening portion. We must listen to other people, understand what they are saying even if it is not obviously expressed through their words. And, we need to listen TO understand and connect, NOT to find a pause where we can jump in and change the topic to all about us. Just because we talk does not mean people are listening. If we talk too often about ourselves and what we want, need, did, hope, think…eventually people will stop listening.

A good conversationalist is one who finds a way to talk all about the other people more than about themselves. A GREAT conversationalist almost never talks about themselves. Sounds strange and yet it is true. People love talking about themselves. And if we are the person sitting with them, they want to talk about themselves. If we are wise enough to listen we gain more than when we only focus on ourselves. People are fascinating, strong, giving and courageous…which means we need to listen, stop hogging the conversation AND ask really good questions to keep them talking. Eventually others will ask us those open ended questions and that is our cue to talk and become the topic instead of hijacking things and making ourselves an annoyance.

Next time you are in a good conversation, listen…resist the urge to take over. Squelch your need to tell your story. LISTEN. Eventually you will be asked to tell your story and THAT is when you know people really want to hear it. Relationships are built and survive on give and take. Stop taking and do more giving, listen more than you talk!