It is week sixteen in Scribbled Lives, and the prompt was the shape of things. We were asked to create something using a shape and make that shape prominent in the piece. I first thought about a triangle, then wondered if I could find a quote that included the word triangle without being about just triangles. I found these words from Vera Nazarian:
Love is made up of three unconditional properties in equal measure: Acceptance, Understanding, Appreciation. Remove any one of the three and the triangle falls apart.
– Vera Nazarian
Vera Nazarian notes that there are three properties in equal measure. And as people who love other people, we have to work hard to utilize all three properties in equal measure. Often we THINK we do all three, which may seem true to us. Does it feel that way to the people we say we love?
What does true acceptance mean? Acceptance is about letting go of what we THINK they should say, do , want, need, look like and allowing them to be their true self. Their true self may look like nothing we THINK is acceptable. Which means we have to let it go and love them no matter what color their hair is, how they wear the t-shirt we gave them or even be supportive when they pierce a body part we didn’t know could be pierced! And acceptance isn’t all about appearance. It covers ALL areas of life – household decorating and care, driving habits, texting acronyms, email etiquette, birthday cards or those forgotten, as well as loving them no matter their mood….OOOO! That can be tough. When we accept who they are and give them the freedom to be true to how they want to live, work, express themselves, then we are showing respect for their lives by keeping our opinions to ourselves.
What does true understanding mean? We can tell people we understand yet we may have no idea of what is actually going on. Most people tell us what they want us to know or feel like sharing, which is usually only part of the story. Understanding does not mean having to know all the facts, it means listening, caring, hugging, supporting no matter how much we know or don’t know. I never took organic chemistry, yet I know it is a VERY tough class; so, when a student tells me they are struggling with organic chemistry, I can understand yet not truly understand. Right?!? I can support, listen, guide and encourage…yet I can never truly understand. To understand we do not have to know it all, we need to employ our own empathy to fill in the gaps for that person at that moment. Sometimes all people need is for us to try to understand and listen without telling them what to fix or how to take the next step…or even worse try to do it for them.
And then there is appreciation. What does true appreciation look like? Is it a simple pat on the back, a thank you note, a hug, a kind word, or even deeper thoughts of support? Being able to appreciate people means acknowledging, cherishing, even treasuring who they are and who they are becoming. It is the becoming that is the hard part – for both us and them. We know – or we think we know – what they can do, what is best for them, or even how much potential they have inside. Appreciation is giving them the space and freedom to become themselves in their own way, applauding it as it happens, and picking them up when they have stubbed their toe.
Loving people means letting go of the reins and letting them become, even if they NEVER become who we think they should be. It is our job to love them – showing them all three properties: acceptance, understanding and appreciation. It means keeping all three sides of the triangle in tact, even as tough times come and go. Isn’t that what we all want from the people who love us? So go forth and practice the three sides of the triangle of love…and give yourself a break as you do that. No one is perfect at this, no one. We all find our own way to love…the important part is to love!
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