When you eat at most Asian restaurants they give you the option of a fork or chopsticks. Depending upon your experiences you may have great skill in using chopsticks, or you find them frustrating and satisfying your hunger is more important than using this meal to gain better chopstick skills. Or there is always the option to stick with what you know you can handle and eat with a fork. Somehow though people feel compelled when eating Asian food to use Asian tools, which means peer pressure kicks in and we fumble or muddle over appearing foolish. We feel the pressure to confirm to what is expected in the environment. It takes confidence and self awareness to turn down chop sticks and choose a fork.
I ate dinner with someone in an Asian restaurant and they fumbled and shared how uncomfortable they were in using a fork during this meal. They felt they should be better at using chopsticks so they pressed themselves to struggle through dinner. At first it was funny for them, then as they couldn’t enjoy their meal they ‘gave in’ and asked for a fork. I thought nothing of it, but they were disappointed in themselves and a bit embarrassed at their own lack of skills.
I thought of the pressures we place on ourselves. We assume what other people will think, how they will judge us, or how we are letting them down. When in reality they are probably more concerned about themselves than about us. It didn’t matter to me what tool she utilized, but to her it was a big deal. She apologized multiple times and ‘felt bad’ that she took so long to eat using the chopsticks. To ease her frustrations I asked her about the ‘shoulds’ in her life. We talked for a while about who was expecting what from her, and where the pressure was being applied. Was the ‘should’ in her head or had someone else told her she ‘should’ do this or that? If she created it, where did it come from and from who was she feeling judged? Was it a realistic expectation or one that had no relevance to the situation? Did the other person’s ‘should’ really matter to her, or did she need to set some boundaries with the owner of the ‘should’?
After we talked for a while our fortune cookies arrived and she realized that the ‘shoulds’ in her life could be managed by simply putting them into perspective. She needed to take time to figure out what she REALLY wanted, what was important to her, and how she defined success. Once that was solidified she needed to only act when it supported her definitions. Stop taking on other people’s ‘shoulds’, and stop assuming them by yourself. The only way to calm the storms in our heads is to stop generating them, and stop allowing other people to generate them for us. If you like using a fork, then use a fork. If you can use chopsticks, then use chopsticks. If you don’t want to try, then don’t. Stop the madness and stick to what you do best; be the best you and get comfortable in your own skin. If you want to learn to use chopsticks do it in a setting where you can fail comfortably and you are not in a hurry to eat. Leave the ‘shoulds’ alone as they will usually fade away if left unattended.
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